When we want help, we want the listener to listen for understanding.  We want solutions.  However, when we want to vent, solutions is exactly what we do not want.  We want to be listened to just for understanding.  It’s a subtle difference, but it is the difference between the speaker getting what they want or not.  If the speaker owns the topic and doesn’t get what they want, the whole experience is frustrating and irritating.  When it works though, it is magical.  There is nothing quite like the feeling you get when someone focuses on you and truly listens for understanding.

Listening is expensive because it is hard work (hard emotional work) and because it is rare. One last thought.  If you want me to listen for understanding, do what Jeanie did.  Tell me what you want and, who knows, you might just get it.

Thanks Sweetie.  It is an honor to hear your heart.

He grew up big and strong and one day he left and started a life of his own.  Eventually, the boy had children of his own and in the process of caring for his own children, he began to understand some of the difficulties that come with being a parent.  Now that his children are all on their own, the boy has a depth of thankfulness that he could never have experienced  as a youngster.  There’s just no way to explain those kinds of things to a little guy.  He doesn’t have the years of experience.  He only has what experience he has lived.  As much as the parents want him to learn from their experience, there are so very many limitations on that kind of understanding.  The boy learns best from his own experience… the hard way!

Now, the boy is a grandparent and more thankful than ever!  As he looks back from his 51 year old perspective, he wants to say, thank you to his parents.  Thanks for giving him life.  Thanks for taking care of him, loving him and doing your best to shape him into the person God made him to be.  He knows that he has let you down many times.  He remembers hurting you.  He wishes he could redo so many things from the past.  Alas, he understands better than ever how this show only has one performance with no rehearsals.

Despite all his regrets, the boy is happy.  He is glad to be alive and glad to be who he is.  Sure, there are many things he would like to change, but when he is honest, he realizes that there is no one else in the entire world that he would rather be.  I think that’s pretty cool.

Stories

Hearing peoples stories, Helping people tell their stories, telling my story.

I believe stories are a key to unlocking people’s heart. We argue theology and practices while the world is dieing for someone to listen to them, to love them. Everyone has a story. Everyone. This is not an exaggeration. How many things can we say are common to every single person no matter their language, customs, beliefs… in fact those might be the very things that are the catalyst for the stories. Everyone has a story. I want to tell my story, write my story, hear the stories of others. Stories!

I have a friend who shared some of his story with me. He has a lot of pain in his heart and many people have told him to get over it. Many of these people are followers of Christ. My friend is not. I believe his pain is preventing him from making a rational decision of whether or not to follow Jesus. You see, I believe that we have a choice to follow God or not.

After reflecting and processing these conversations, I believe that these feelings are not necessarily preventing my friend following Christ. What the feelings are doing are paralizing him. They are preventing him from even having the presence of mind to even be able to make a decision to follow Jesus. Everyone gets the opportunity to decide for themselves whether to follow him or not. Anything less is coercion and not truly following. We have a choice. He isn’t able to make a rational choice because of the emotions that are tied up in it all. He needs someone to listen to him. Not argue with him, but listen to him.

I don’t believe he is alone. Many of us are so weighed down with feelings about events and people from our past. We cannot even think clearly. Everything is colored from those events… or our memory of the events. It is like cholesterol building up in the veins, blocking the blood flow. (Ooo, there’s a metaphor). Telling our stories is like an angioplasty clearing our emotional and spiritual vessels to allow the healing of the blood of Jesus to flow through us.

I want to be a spiritual heart specialist. I want to listen to people’s stories. I want to help them to unblock their hearts so they can make the decision for themselves.

Reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller tonight, I felt a confirmation of this direction for my life. In the book, Don’s friend, Penny is telling him how she came to be a Christian through conversations with her friend, Nadine. Check this out:

…During those first three weeks in France, it was comforting for Penny that Nadine cared so much about her past and her story. This helped Penny listen to Nadine’s story…

That excites me. The idea that the walls in Penny’s life, the preconceived notions of what being a Christian was all about, the hurts that she had received from people who called themselves followers of Christ. She needed to be able to talk about them. That’s all. She needed someone to listen. That’s all.

This Jesus stuff is for real. I don’t have all the answers. I used to. Now I know better. I want to be a listener for Jesus.

… human beings have three basic needs. First, we need to be convinced that we are loved and accepted, without strings. In order to get love and acceptance, we do not have to act or refrain from acting a certain way, perform, excel, be polite, or quote Bible verses… This love builds people because people, not behavior, are loved.

Second, we need to be convinced that we are capable, valuable, important, special, and worthy….biblical terms that communicate the same concepts: chosen, gifted, called for a purpose, given to one another.

Third, we need to be convinced that we are not alone. There are two aspects to this. We need to know that we are not the only ones who think, act, feel, and struggle as we do… We also must know that there are resources and support in times of need. We are not alone!

This book is written to those who are struggling with chemical dependencies or love someone who is. Reading it, I realize that this is about something even more pervasive that addiction. I have habits and hurts and hang-ups that I don’t want anyone to know about. I feel like I have to perform in order to be accepted. I sometimes feel like I don’t measure up and I do feel like I’m all alone.

I believe in the power of God and the power of godly friends who accept me as the broken, unlovable goofball that I am. I believe that I can make it through life because of the good news that He loves me in spite of me. He loves me! He wants to be my friend!

It is not about being correct, nor having all the answers. It is not about performance. It is about being vulnerable with a few good friends and admitting my screw ups. It is telling one of my friends what a mess I am and how I screwed up… only to find this in my email soon afterwards…

“Do you know that I admire you ? I DO.. You are after God’s own heart and that is a man I admire. You area also a great GREAT friend. I want to be around you, to know you more and have you rub off on me. Thanks for giving of yourself to growing this friendship. It continues to change my life and it’s outcome. Forever”

With friends like that, I’m going to make it! God help me to be a friend and brother like that.

That’s true love. I am so proud of my family!

Like most ball players, he sometimes hurts himself and it takes him out of the game for a time of healing. He’s lately been out nursing an elbow injury, but this past Saturday, they finally let him play two innings. He gave up no hits and struck out five batters! On top of that, he had a 100% on base percentage with two singles. To top it all off, he also hit a home run (about 350 ft)!

Needless to say, everyone in the family, including me, is busting buttons with pride. However, that’s not why I am writing about him. I’m writing to tell you what most of the folks in or out of the game don’t know… inside Kenny’s hat is a Bible verse. He wrote, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Phil 4:13. When he stepped up to the mound, he took off his hat and read the verse to himself, said a prayer. Then he went to work applying his talent, and setting out to demonstrate the power of those words.

Is this passage in Philippians about winning ball games? I think not. It is about depending on the strength of God to help us in everything we do. In the game of life, I need God’s help, but sometimes I forget. I proceed with delusions that I can manage just fine on my own. He frequently reminds me that I cannot. Frequently He uses others to show me… sometimes it’s a friend… sometimes family… This time it’s my nephew. Thanks Kenny, for reminding me what a great God we serve. I’m proud of you.